【雅思作文批改】5分：過于口語化，注意語法

政府應(yīng)該對鐵路比公路花錢？ 這位同學(xué)整體架構(gòu)比較完整，但是口語化比較嚴(yán)重，語法錯(cuò)誤比較多，基礎(chǔ)不夠扎實(shí)，需多多練習(xí)。最終得分4.5-5分，還有很大的進(jìn)步空間。

作文題目:大作文：劍11Test1大作文


Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

作文內(nèi)容：

Traffic problem has disturbed government for a long term,as a lot of measure [b1] have been taken to solve that, [b2] there are still some problems remained,m[b3] any people say that government should spend more money on rail rather than road,but i can not[b4]totally agree with this opinion.

Railway, comparing [b5] with road,has larger capacity to load [b6] goods or people,and it is also a good choice for long-distance travel.One of the advantages of rail is that you will never meet a traffic light or jam on your way to the destiny[b7] .Government have invest [b8] a lot to make it more safe[b9]and convenient[b10] ,but sometimes it [b11] still makes trouble for people when it is at[b12]peak time;[b13] such as Spring Festival in China,there are even not enough tickets for those passengers who want to go home and [b14] they have to stay in the waiting room for a long time.So more basic facilities or more trains are needed to serve such a large number of people and increase the degree of comfort in passenger s [b15] journey.

On the contrast,road ,as another way that frequently used,is more flexible than railway,b[b16] ut things changed when traffic condition is poor,ad [b17] people nowadays spend a lot of time on traffic jam due to the increasing number of private cars,especially in those major cities.In order to figure this problem,government should invest to build more roads like [b18] overhead-roads to release the traffic stress ,so that the air quality[b19]in cities will improve a lot ,too.[b20]

Overall,fund [b21] are needed in both of areas,but it is not wise to say that more money should be used in rail or road,it must according [b22] to the circumstance.

[b1]measures
[b2]but
[b3]注意斷句，Many
[b4]寫作中是cannot
[b5]compared
[b6]transfer
[b7]destination
[b8]has invested
[b9]safer
[b10]more convenient
[b11]指誰？
[b12]改成during
[b13]符號(hào)不對
[b14]又是連接誰？
[b15]passengers
[b16]另起一句，大寫
[b17]？
[b18]這是口語用詞
[b19]和空氣質(zhì)量有關(guān)這個(gè)邏輯在哪里？
[b20]口語
[b21]funds
[b22]情態(tài)動(dòng)詞后用原形


各項(xiàng)細(xì)評(píng)：




針對問題最大的一點(diǎn)指出問題：

改這篇文章感覺像是改口語段子，因?yàn)榭谡Z化的說法很多，最大的問題是簡單語法錯(cuò)誤和復(fù)雜語法中句子的斷句。句子可以寫長，但長句也遵循語法規(guī)則，需要連詞或者合適的代詞。需要系統(tǒng)學(xué)習(xí)語法。
臨考前建議整理一下論點(diǎn)思路，考場發(fā)揮盡量不要出大的語法錯(cuò)誤就可以了。



附批改原圖：






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