【雅思作文批改】5分：對圖形分析類作文比較陌生

今天的題目是餅圖+線圖，這位同學(xué)顯然對圖形分析類作文比較陌生，論述時觀點不夠清晰，應(yīng)該要分清主次，但語法還不錯，最終得5分?？纯蠢蠋熓窃鯓釉u價的？

作文題目：




作文內(nèi)容：

The chart illustrates that how many units of electricity be[A1]demanded normally in England winter and summer.The graph presents four factors of an average English family electricity consumption.[A2]

It is clear to see that people need far more electricity in winter than that in summer totally in England.There is a significant increase in the units of electricity from 35000 in 0am to 40000 in 3am in winter,in contrast to 1800 units of electricity in summer.Furthermore, electricity consumption declines constantly to about 13000 units in summer and the figure reduces the lowest point(3000 units)in winter the next 6 hours.A fluctuation can befound in the data in summer between 9am and 21pm.Meanwhlie,the figure climbs to the peak at 45000 units in winter.Then,a similar decreased rapidly trend appears in the rest of day.

Heating rooms and water is the primary factor of electricity[A3] ,with about half of respondents[A4]rating this highly.17.5% electricity is consumed for Ovens,kettles,washing machines,with lighting,TV(15%) and vacuum cleaners,food mixers contribute[A5]to electricity consumpution equally.

Overall,the amount of electricity demanded in winter is around twice as that in summer.Heating is the prominent element for electricity consumption.


[A1]Be-are
[A2]Four factors of the electricity consumption in a common British household
[A3]Electricity cost, 這里是電力消耗的四個因素，而不是電力
[A4]Respondents這個信息文中并未提及，這句算是你的推測，不建議寫
[A5]contributing


各項細(xì)評：




針對問題最大的一點給出修改建議：

1. 顯然對線圖的寫法很陌生，這是一個雙線圖，建議不要混在一起寫，這個雙線圖整體趨勢很類似，就是在波動，但又有區(qū)別，而且要把兩個線圖的極值指出來。先描寫總體的變化趨勢，再分段去寫。
2. 餅圖其實很明顯，供暖占據(jù)絕大比例，這與線圖冬天電力需求大相對應(yīng)，而且234三個因素都只占百分之十幾，這一點可以提一下。
亮點，餅圖有兩個因素占比一樣，明確指出；結(jié)論段提出了線圖的一個規(guī)律就是倍數(shù)。

附批改原圖：