【雅思作文批改】6.5分：結(jié)尾段的語句不夠精煉

危險(xiǎn)的運(yùn)動(dòng)應(yīng)該被取消 ，這樣的話題出現(xiàn)的還是比較普遍的，相對(duì)來說也比較好寫，但也因?yàn)榉秶珡V不好找切入點(diǎn)，這位同學(xué)寫得還不錯(cuò)，看看他是怎樣展開思路的？

作文題目：

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should have freedom to choose sports activities.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

作文內(nèi)容：

Extreme sports are becoming increasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash with repeated daily work and want to find something exciting to do.Although a group of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmly hold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sports activities.

There is no doubt that extreme sports may be life-threatening.Even if the security facilities have been improved significantly compared to the past,accidents do exist.For instance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losing their lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping from a inappropriate place.From this perspective,it seems that in order to protect human beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.

However,doing dangerous sports is an effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish their lives.Nowadays,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live a fast-paced life.When they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to them which could breed high pressure.In this circumstance,extreme sports such as skydiving can help them get rid of the troublesome work[A1]as they need to totally focus on the dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about their work.Moreover,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing the frightening feelings of death.

To conclude,although extreme sports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,the probability is quite small.Also,the dangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress and make people cherish their lives.[A2] Therefore,they should be continued and the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities more reliable.

[A1]擺脫的不是工作，而是工作帶來的壓力，這里需要修改；
[A2]和上面的重復(fù)過多，緩解壓力變相表達(dá)就是心情變得更加愉悅，可以從這個(gè)角度來改變表達(dá)方式，后者及意識(shí)的生命的寶貴，不可直接把上面的句子拿下來


各項(xiàng)細(xì)評(píng)：




針對(duì)問題最大的一點(diǎn)給出修改建議：

結(jié)尾段的語句不夠精煉，這點(diǎn)給整篇文章拉分。希望今后不要出現(xiàn)結(jié)尾段直接和上面表達(dá)雷同的情況，并且表達(dá)方式可以更加靈活

附批改原圖：







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