【雅思作文批改】6分：基礎(chǔ)不錯(cuò)，建議多用高級詞匯

今天跟大家分享這位小伙伴的作文，Ta已經(jīng)不是第一次給我們發(fā)來作文啦，這次發(fā)了2篇，包括task1和task2,小作文5.5分，大作文6分，最終平均分為6分。（分點(diǎn)批改在最后面~）

task1




The table compares the average distance travelled per person per year by various vehicles in the year of 1985 and 2000.

At the bottom of the table, it can be seen that travelling distance[b1]went up from 4740 to 6475 miles, by almost 50 percent. Cars, the top popular vehicle, [b2] travelled 4806 miles in average in 2000. And it seems that cars accounted for most miles of travelling distance. Travelling by train and local bus took the second and third place respectively in the same year but only reached 366 and 274 miles. Hence, the most usual travelling vehicle is the car.

However, walking, bicycle and local bus became less popular, because their miles travelled dropped after the 15 years. For example, average walking distance is 255 miles per year in 1985 but only 237 miles in 2000. By the way, taxis are the most impossible mode for travelling. [b3] And travelers also use other tools sometimes.

預(yù)估得分：5.5分
點(diǎn)評：
1.概述了圖表中的主要信息和重要信息，尤其是其中明顯的數(shù)據(jù)也有詳細(xì)的說明，在每種交通工具中遺漏了長途汽車（long distance bus）的描述，同樣是汽車，其實(shí)也可以進(jìn)行對比一下。
2.語言方面，沒有什么大的問題，可以看出語法基礎(chǔ)很好?？傮w來看，這篇寫的還不錯(cuò)。


task2




I cannot totally agree with the idea that popular items sales are only related with advertisement because high sales of goods owe to various factors rather than just a single one. Hence, this statement is questionable.

First of all, there is no doubt that advertising is vital to the high sales of a certain item.

Undoubtedly, if a dependable star thinks highly of a product, people will pay more attention to it. For example, Lu Han, a handsome and industrious celebrity, endorses masks from the A Leaf company this year; hence, the masks sell quite well. In fact, I never heard of this brand before Lu Han's endorsement. Therefore, advertising is important to gain more popularity.

However, increasing demands of the society push sales as well. No one would pay for needless goods especially for people who are in a tight budget. Masks sell well because boys and girls have no problem regarding food and clothing supply since they can afford them. While at poor decades, people were busy with supporting their family instead of purchasing masks. Just as mentioned, real needs of the society drive sales too.

Last but not least, advertising results in high sales, but the figures do not depend on the promotion of the product. Actually, successful consumer goods include high quality, delicate packages, good opportunities and technical marketing and so on[b4] . After A Leaf is recognized by consumers, only fully-qualified masks help sales stay stable. That is to say, packages, chances and marketing are beneficial to the popularity to some extent, but everlasting fame is based on high quality and good faith.

In a word, I think complex factors account for a success of consumer goods.For this opinion, more evidence should be provided to verify it.

預(yù)估得分：6分
點(diǎn)評：
1.文章內(nèi)容和結(jié)構(gòu)完整，符合題目要求，分別從中間三段進(jìn)行了論述，在事例例句方面，能列舉身邊的例子，這一點(diǎn)比較好，而且事例也比較恰當(dāng)。
2.基礎(chǔ)語法已經(jīng)沒有什么大的問題了。想要提分的話，可以從詞匯和句式上再提高一些，這篇作文中，整體來看，詞匯的使用和句式的運(yùn)用比較一般，像這種and so on這樣的短語盡量少用，可以平時(shí)積累一些更高級，更地道的表達(dá)方式。

[b1]這里表述不太明確，最好能夠說明是所有的交通方式加在一起的數(shù)據(jù)，travelling distance [b1] by all vehicles went up from
[b2]其實(shí)這里說完使用最多的出租車，接著可以和最少的taxis進(jìn)行對比，這樣邏輯會(huì)更清楚，銜接也更順暢
[b3]相比這里突然提到taxis過度就不是很好
[b4]想要的高分的話，這樣太一般的表達(dá)建議少用，可以替換成：etc./et cetera